


Soco Amaretto Lime

by lizzicleromance



Category: My Chemical Romance, frerard - Fandom
Genre: Best Friends, Boyfriends, Destiny, Fate, First Love, Heartbreak, M/M, Mikey Way - Freeform, Rewrite, Secrets, frank iero - Freeform, gerard way - Freeform, my chemical romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-09
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2017-12-28 22:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzicleromance/pseuds/lizzicleromance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Iero is the main character. The story is told from his perspective, unless otherwise noted.</p><p>Frank is in a long-term relationship with his boyfriend, Brendon. The two have been together for four years and have faced <span class="u">many</span> difficult times during those four years, including three different breakups. Frank is settling with Brendon, and finds peace with the decision to stay with him even though it really isn't the love they once shared holding them together anymore. Needless to say, being "comfortable" with having each other around is the only thing holding the two of them together. He knows what he has with Brendon is finally secure, so he stays because he's afraid of being alone and knows he has Brendon to fall back on.</p><p>Everything seems to be going well between them, Frank accepts the life that's set in stone for him until an old flame of his, by the name of Gerard, comes back into his life, and makes him realize that his life is only just beginning. Will Frank decide to stay with his long-term relationship with Brendon, or will he give in to his undeniable feelings for Gerard?</p><p>*The title comes from my absolute favorite song by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDBp2SFIp8M">Brand New</a>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "My life reads like the classifieds..."

**Author's Note:**

  * For [doctorkaitlyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorkaitlyn/gifts).



I sighed as I looked inside of the crumpled pack of cigarettes I'd just taken out of my pocket. One left. I've been smoking these babies like crazy lately. I'd just opened the pack this morning on my way in to work, and here I am, sitting on the curb outside of Guitar Center, with one measly little cigarette left. I was waiting for him to pick me up. Again. Like I did every night at this time. I sighed again as I inhaled an extra long drag off of what seemed to be my lifeline.

"You okay, dude?" asked a voice from behind me. I smiled when I realized who that voice belonged to.

"Yeah, Mikey. I'm fine. Just fucking tired," I said to my tall, skinny friend with the adorable glasses. He was my best friend, actually. My only real friend...

"Yeah man... I can't believe how busy we were today. I'm pretty tired myself," he replied, taking a seat on the ground next to me.

I nodded my head, but not in agreement. Mikey meant that he was tired as in exhausted; I was tired of fucking _everything_. Tired of my "perfect" little life with my "perfect" boyfriend. Everything seemed to already be set in stone for me. I should be happy. Ecstatic, even. Some people wait their entire lives to find someone to be happy with, someone to call their own, someone to fall in love with.

Well, I found somebody. We've been together for four years - well, four and a half to be exact. I was happy. I did have him to call my own, and I did fall in love with him. But... for some reason, I was so fucking sick of him... sick of our relationship.... quite simply, I was sick of everything.

"You sure you're okay dude?" Mikey's words hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me completely out of my thoughts. "How are things with you and Brendon?"

Brendon. Just the mere mention of his name sent so many different emotions through my body, it was unreal.

"We're good, I guess. I just-" I started to say, but then was cut off by the realization that I was about to actually say something about my personal life that I think I might regret if I actually said it out loud. Because you know, if you say it out loud, that means it might actually be true. If you hold it all in, you can at least _pretend_ that everything is fine.

Mikey may be my best friend, but we really didn't really know much of anything when it came to each other's personal lives. We could talk for hours and hours about our favorite music and movies and animes, but rarely did we ever talk about our relationships, where we grew up, etc. I knew that he had a girlfriend named Alyssa, but that's only because she often came in to bother him quite regularly while he was at work. I could tell he didn't want to be concerned with her while he was working, sort of the same way I felt about Brendon.

I mean, I live with him. I am with him every waking minute of the day except for when I'm at work. Work isn't even work for me. Of course it's my paycheck and I so desperately need that paycheck, but work is my sanctuary; it is my escape.

"Just what, Frank?" Mikey asked, nudging me slightly. I cleared my throat and just as I was about to speak, I noticed Brendon's red Mustang pulling into the parking lot.

"Nothing, dude. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I replied, putting on a smile and tossing away my cigarette. I gave him our little goodbye hand gesture before I got into my boyfriend's car. Our hand gesture was pretty silly really, but it was something done strictly between me and Mikey, which made it sort of special to me. It's just two people making rock and roll devil horns with their fingers and interlocking them together. 

Yeah, I told you it was pretty silly.

"Hey babe, sorry I'm late," Brendon said, kissing my cheek. "How was work?"

"It's okay. It was fine. You know, the usual," I replied unenthusiastically as we peeled out of the parking lot and made our way home.

+++

I was laying on the couch by myself, covered up with a blanket, not really paying attention to what was on the television set. We had Tivo, which was excellent, but I had absolutely no urge to put something worth watching on. I just laid there, staring aimlessly in front of me.

Brendon and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment, a very nice one at that. His sister is the apartment manager of this particular complex, so we got a really sweet discount on rent every month, which he paid. He worked as manager of some mail room in a pretty huge business downtown, I never really bothered getting the details from him. All I know is that he made fucking bank since getting that job after he graduated college last spring. He got that job thanks to his mother, who pulled some strings and got him hired because she works for the same company, as in she is the secretary for the big boss, and handles the paperwork for everyone that gets hired... including her son. There was no way he could have gotten it on his own, yet he finds such smug satisfaction in accomplishing that position. I guess networking in the business world really does pay off, even if it's your own mom that is pulling the strings to get you hired.

It was now October, just a few weeks before my birthday. I was excited about that, and the fact that I was currently sitting out this semester in college made me pretty excited too.

I really had no urge to go back. My grades from last semester really suffered from a mixture of taking some pretty hard classes and some personal issues between me and Brendon. Even though this year of our lives have been breakup free, which is quite an accomplishment for us, by the way, I've still been sorting through some very difficult issues that has to do with our relationship and it fucked up my head and distracted me from school. 

Plus, I really needed to work more so that I could save up for a car of my own. I hated that he had to bring me everywhere. He made me feel more like a burden than his boyfriend. So, I decided it'd be best to work straight through this semester - not just work as in earn some money, but work as in getting my life back in order.

For instance, the more I thought about my future with Brendon, the more uncertain I felt about it. I needed to figure out why I’m having these thoughts and I seriously need to get my priorities in check. 

I mean, I did love him. Four and a half years together, of course I loved him. Just... why is it that every little thing that he does annoy me to no fucking end?

Like right now, as I'm sitting here watching TV by myself, he's in the extra bedroom, playing World of Warcraft. I'm not dissing WoW, not at all. Just, he's fucking addicted to it and it drives me up the damn wall. He'll sit there and play for hours and hours on end, sometimes til 2 or 3 in the morning. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. It _really_ bothers me, and he knows it. Hell, one of the breakups - breakup #3 to be exact, was due to him fucking around on me with someone he _met_ on there. He _met_ someone on the game, had a relationship with her _behind my back_ for months, broke up with me, and then proceeded to drive six hours away so that he could go and fuck her. Yes, you heard me, I said _her_.

I knew that he had several girlfriends before we got together, but when he met me, he told me that he realized why his heterosexual relationships never worked out. He swore that he was completely gay, but then went and fucked some chick that he met online. Sure, buddy. I'm not buying that one for a second.

So needless to say, him playing online with folks from all around the world really didn't sit too well with me. I mean, why worry about him screwing around with the hot little guy that works at Starbucks, or the skanky little whore that works at the mall, when I knew that he had driven six fucking hours to bang some chick that he met on the internet? He spent the whole fucking week with her, before realizing that he had to return home eventually. 

And, my God. When he returned home, I was so pitiful. I took him back like it was nothing. Like I took him back _every_ fucking time.

The terms of us getting back together was him _quitting_ World of Warcraft and never talking to her again... so what does he do? He goes and simply _got a new user name_ and continued playing the game. I hated the way that he clearly had no respect for my feelings or how his actions would make me feel. 

And the sad thing is, I do absolutely nothing about it. I just sit here, with what’s left of my sanity in one hand, and a glass of Jack and Coke on the floor, not bothering to get up and telling him to knock it off because if I did.......... then he'd come and hang out with me. Or worse, try to get me to fucking sleep with him.

Don't get me wrong, we always slept in the same bed together. We hadn't had sex in awhile, and I liked to keep it that way. For some reason, I hated the thought of him touching me. Whenever he did finally come to bed, I'd pretend to already be asleep if I wasn't asleep already.

_It was never supposed to be like this..._

Sighing, I took the last sip from my beloved weapon of choice. This was becoming more and more of a routine, but I didn't care. Up until recently, I was never one to drink a lot and when I did, it was only when we went out on the weekends. Now, I drink because it's Tuesday. I really don't need a reason to drink, except for the fact that drinking made me happy and kept me fucking sane.

I walked to the kitchen with every intention of refilling my glass, but was stopped by the picture of Brendon and I hanging on the refrigerator door. I never really noticed that it was there before, but for some reason this time it caught my eye. It was a picture of the two of us from the first year we were together. Tears welled up in my eyes as I held the picture of the two smiling boys with their arms wrapped tightly around each other. I hardly recognized either of them. Brendon didn't change much, his black hair was still short and spiked up in the front. He did have braces in that picture, which made me laugh. He was adorable with his braces, he pulled them off nicely. 

As for me, my hair was on the short side in that picture, and I had my lip and nose ring in. I still had my lip ring, but the hoop that I had in my nostril fell out one night when I was sleeping, and by the time I tried putting it back in, the hole had already closed up and it was too unbelievably painful trying to get that fucker back in, so I just left it alone. My brown hair was longer now, sort of shaggy looking but I liked it. 

I don't know what it was, but something about this picture struck me really hard for some reason. It wasn't just the physical differences, I know that your appearance can change a lot in four years. It's just that in this picture... I looked so happy. I _was_ happy. At that time, I was so happy; I was so in love with him. He made me feel so alive, like nothing else in the world mattered except for me and him.

_Where did that happiness go...?_

I sighed and wiped the tears that had formed with my sleeve, and continued to bring my favorite beverage to life. However, when I went to return the Coke back to the fridge I was met by that picture again. I sat my drink on the counter, and walked into the computer room. I appeared next to Brendon, who was talking and laughing into the mic that was attached to the headset that he was wearing. I sighed and put on my best forced smile.

"Oh hey, babe. I'll be finishing up in a little while, okay?" he said, after turning to me and finally realizing that I was there.

"It's okay, take your time. I just wanted to say that I love you," I said, giving him a rather emotionless kiss on his forehead. I really did love him, I really did mean it. I heard him mutter something about loving me too, but I had already left the room.

I picked up my beloved guitar and the glass that I'd previously set on the counter earlier, and walked out onto the balcony. We had a really nice setup out there, it wasn't very big but it was big enough for a table and two chairs. I sat the glass on the table and lit up another cigarette as I started playing one of my favorite Green Day songs.  
 __  
"We're living in repetition.  
 _Content in the same old shtick again._  
 _Now the routine's turning to contention,_  
 _Like a production line going over_  
 _and over and over, roller coaster_

_Now I cannot speak, I lost my voice._  
 _I'm speechless and redundant._  
 _'Cause I love you's not enough_  
 _I'm lost for words...._

_Choreographed and lack of passion_  
 _Prototypes of what we were_  
 _Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous_  
 _Taken for granted now_  
 _Now I waste it, faked it, ate it, now I hate it_

_'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice._  
 _I'm speechless and redundant,_  
 _'Cause I love you's not enough._  
 _I'm lost for words...."_

As I finished singing those lyrics that I love so much, I couldn't help but smile down at my guitar. I loved this thing more than life itself. I had so many beautiful memories about this guitar... about the person who gave this to me, about the life that I had before I met Brendon... I took a deep breath and did my best to collect myself, but it did no good. I couldn't deny the tears that were threatening to spill at simply the mere thought of him, so I quickly blinked those thoughts away. Getting over him was the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do, and for fear of relapsing, I needed to shut every last thought of him away before those thoughts consumed me and ate me whole.

This was happening more and more lately... and I couldn't help but wonder why.

I took another big gulp of my drink, finishing it off. I finished what was left of my cigarette and sat back in my chair, realizing that I had finally grown tired. I put my beloved guitar away, and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I peeked in the bedroom as I was brushing, and noticed that the bed was still neatly made from this morning. I personally never understood the point in making your bed, I mean you're just going to sleep in it again that night so again, what's the point?

The great news was, Brendon was still playing his game so I could go to sleep peacefully. I smiled at this thought and stripped down to my boxers and retreated to my bed, hoping to be blessed with some much, _much_ needed sleep.


	2. "I'm a hopeless romantic, you're just hopeless."

" _I'm a hopeless romantic... you're just hopeless  
I'm a hopeless romantic... you're just hopeless..._ "

I reached over to my nightstand to pick up my phone, only to close it and set it back down. My eyes then shot open when I realized the damn thing was actually _ringing_ and no that wasn't my alarm clock going off. I flipped it open to reveal a missed call. Wonderful. I didn't even bother with it and tossed it aside, attempting to capture just a few more minutes of sleep... when I felt it vibrating in the abyss of covers all around me followed by the annoying beeping sound of a new voicemail and/or text message. I finally gave in and decided I should probably check it. One new voicemail from Mikey. _Wait.. from Mikey?_

_"Frank, hey dude it's Mikey. I was just driving around and was wondering if you needed a ride to work or something, or if you wanted to get some coffee with me or whatever. Call me back or something, if not I'll just see you at work. Later."_

I had to replay it just to make sure I'd heard him right. Sure enough, my good friend had invited me for coffee before work. I called him back and gave him directions to the apartment complex and the security code to get into the gate. He said he'd be there around 9:00.

I felt Brendon stirring in the bed next to me. "Who was that?"

_Fuck._

"That was just Mikey. I was just calling him to remind him that he's picking me up for work today," I replied innocently. It was nothing really, I just didn't know how he would react to me having coffee with my friend that I thought was absolutely adorable. _He_ didn't know that, but _I_ knew that and that made me nervous. I don't know what it was about Mikey... there was just something about him that reminded me of someone I swear I knew before... I just couldn't put my finger on it.

"Good. That means I get to sleep late. I'm exhausted," he yawned, his head hitting the pillow again and shutting his eyes before telling me to have a good day and that he loved me. I was so excited that he was okay with it, I ignored the throbbing headache I was suddenly feeling and jumped out of bed. Before I knew it, I was dressed and out the door at exactly 9:00. He pulled up in his silver Sunfire about five minutes later and we were on our way.

"Thanks so much for picking me up today, Mikey," I said, greeting him the same way we always greeted each other, with our little rock and roll interlocked finger gesture.

"No problem, man. I'm such an early bird, and I have absolutely no idea why. I just wander aimlessly around the house 'til it's time to leave for work. I figured we could get some coffee or something," he replied.

I smiled. "Sounds good."

We drove in silence the rest of the way, but it was a comfortable silence filled with jamming out to some rad tunes. We pulled into the Starbucks parking lot a few minutes later, and made our way inside.

We walked up to the counter and I immediately noticed the girl eyeing me up and down as if I was a piece of meat. She then turned her gaze to Mikey, and I saw her expression turn sort of sour. Mikey caught onto this too, and put his arm around me. He winked at me and said to her, "I'll have a Caramel Frappuccino, and... what do you want, honey?"

It was an absolute struggle not to burst out in laughter at what was going on. I was honestly struggling to figure out if he was trying to mess with this girl, or if he was straight up flirting with me. Either way, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to play along.

"I'll have a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino, please," I finally answered, snuggling my head against Mikey's chest. This poor girl's eyes were so wide I thought they might fall out of her head. She made us our drinks and we both reached for our wallets to pay.

"No no dude, I mean... honey, I got this," he said, trying to keep a straight face.

"No sweetheart I insist... let me. I owe you one for helping me out this morning," I whispered as seductively as possible in his ear, though loud enough for her to hear. I have to admit, this was way more fun than I could have ever imagined.

"Okay, but it's my treat tomorrow," he said, putting his wallet away. We got our drinks and walked over to one of the tables, still laughing our asses off at what had just happened.

"Okay Mikey, what the hell was that all about?" I asked him, once the laughter died down.

"Nothing dude... I saw the way she was eyeing you up and down, and I can't stand her. She's one of those stupid slutty girls that was the girlfriend of this guy in high school I absolutely hated. He gave me shit all the time because he thought I was gay and I wasn't, so I just thought it'd be fucking funny to fuck with her before she started flirting with you or something. I'm sorry if I freaked you out or anything," he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"No it's okay. It was pretty funny," I said, sipping my own absolutely delicious drink. I took a look at my cell phone to see what time it was. It was only 9:20 and we didn't have to be at work until ten.

"Thanks again for calling me this morning, Mikey," I said to him.

"Really, it's no big deal. I was just sitting around yesterday realizing we have so much fun at work, but we never hang out outside of work or anything. And hey, thanks for treating me. And I did mean it earlier, I'll treat us tomorrow if you want me to pick you up again. I really don't mind, I'm bored and it gives me something to do," he said, smiling at me.

"Thanks, Mikey..." I said, returning that same grateful smile. "I was realizing last night that we've worked together for quite some time now, and it's a shame that I know basically nothing about you, other than the fact that your taste in music and anime kick ass."

"I do like good music and good anime. What else do you want to know?" He asked.

"Hmm... well, you said earlier that stupid girl dated a guy that gave you shit for being gay. Are you?" I asked, not realizing the deepness of that question when I saw the look on his face. "I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want I was just wondering."

"No no, it's okay. You can ask me anything, I don't mind. No, I'm not gay nor have I ever been gay. I was just this little weirdo outcast kid and got a lot of shit for it. I've been with Alyssa for about six months now," he answered me.

"Oh yeah, that's right Alyssa. I'm sorry, I forgot all about her. Where did you go to school?" I asked.

"Belleville High," he answered, rolling his eyes. I almost spit out my drink.

"I fucking went there! For two years! Oh my God, I swore I knew you from _somewhere_! When did you graduate?"

"I swore there was something familiar about you too, dude. I graduated in '05. What about you?"

Suddenly I realized that I really didn't know him from back then, I was only there for a year and pretty much kept to myself. I had only one friend when I went to that school... but he was all I needed. My God, it seemed like I thought about him every fucking second of every fucking day. Just thinking about him right now made all the memories of me and him come crashing back, sending me into a frenzy of emotions. He was 'my little fishy that got away...' I swear, I'd give up everything I have with Brendon for even the _chance_ of being with him again... but I was with Brendon, and he was off, living his dreams in New York. Or at least that's what he was doing the last time I heard from him...

"Frank...?" he asked, trying to snap me back into reality.

"Ahh.. I'm sorry, my mind went somewhere else," I said, blushing. "I graduated in '04. I was there my sophomore year so you were just a freshman... I can't believe we went to the same school and didn't realize it until now. I'm really happy we got to hang out this morning, Mikey. I really fucking needed this, you just don't understand..."

"What do you mean?" He asked, sipping the very last of his frosty beverage.

"It's just nice to have a friend, that's all. Aside from Brendon, you're pretty much all I have," I said, sort of quietly. Of course I had other friends, but none that mattered. Most of them I lost touch with and hadn't spoken to in years. And I was friends with all of Brendon's friends but... they weren't necessarily _my_ friends - they were _Brendon's_ friends. All of those times I desperately needed someone's help when it came to dealing with him, I had no one to go to. That's the whole reason I was never strong enough to leave him....

"Brendon... what's up with you two, anyway?" He asked me.

"We've been together for as long as I can remember... we live together... that's about it. I really don't know what else to say about him..."

The excitement of the conversation sort of died at that point. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and was sort of grateful it was almost ten o'clock. "Well, we better get going. It's almost time for you and I to open and we are supposed to be pretty busy today."

"Yeah. And just so you know, I really did mean what I said about us doing this again tomorrow. If you want to, anyway. I can pick you up whenever you need me to, it'll give me something to do and I hate not having something to do. You'll be doing me the favor, I swear," he said to me.

"Thanks, Mikey..." I smiled as my best friend and I made our way out the door and to his car. As I was sitting there in the car with him, I realized how wonderful the day had already been and the work day hadn't even begun yet. I was so thankful for my friendship with Mikey; it gave me something to finally look forward to.


	3. "You have been followed back to that same place..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fate works both ways." <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Everything We Had" by the Academy Is. Oh, my feels!!! <3

_"Come on, love... let's just leave. We don't need to be here..." he whispered in my ear, leaning me up against the lockers. This was becoming more and more of a routine; he knew what he did to me. He knew he had me right where he wanted me._

_I was completely defenseless under that stare. When he looked at me like that, with those hungry eyes that bore deep into my soul, and that seductive grin that held all of the things I have ever dreamed of, he held every ounce of everything that is and ever will be Frank Anthony Iero entirely in the palm of his hand. I kissed him hungrily, my hands weaving into his gorgeous raven hair as his hands gripped sensually onto my hips, holding me in place._

_We stood there, in the middle of the hallway, quite literally having sex with our clothes on as his hips ground sensually against my own. I knew that we could get in a lot of trouble for being late for class, and skipping all of our afternoon classes, but at that very moment I couldn’t give a single care in the world about the consequences of our actions. I'd do anything and everything he asked me to do, all because he was my everything; the epitome of pure fucking perfection._

_“Let's get outta here...” I affirmed his previous idea amongst his lips, making him moan just slightly from the fervor of such an amazing kiss. He broke away then and gave me that gorgeous lopsided grin of his, and leaned forward to press an adoring kiss to my forehead as we latched fingers, heading to his car to skip school for the rest of the day. My grades didn't matter, school didn't matter. He was the only thing that mattered..._

_We got to his house in what seemed like record time and wasted absolutely no time in going inside. The second the door shut behind me, he had me pinned up against the wall, showering my neck and face in an endless amount of kisses. He grabbed onto my ass and lifted me up, and in no time I had my legs were wrapped sensually around his waist as he carried me up the stairs like that. We made it to his bed and he crashed down on top of me, sucking heavily on my neck._

_I couldn’t help but moan out quite loudly as the friction became almost too pleasurable to handle as our hips danced gorgeously in tune with one another’s, but the desperate kisses soon turned slow and passionate, just like the new rhythm that his hips were guiding my own. I broke the kiss after a few moments, simply to stare up at the one I have ever loved the absolute most, and simply took in every gentle curve of his face, and every shade of green and brown and hazel that made up those gorgeous eyes of his. In this moment with him lying so beautifully on top of me, smiling down upon me with his eyes shining so brightly, I have never been more happy in my entire life._

_“I love you, so fucking much,” I spoke in an absolutely dreamy, mesmerized voice, staring deeply into those crystal hazel gems of his..._

“I love you, too.” 

Those fateful words were muttered from the lips that were now attacking mine. I smiled and kissed back just as forcefully, before my eyes shot open and I realized that I wasn't dreaming about _him_ , or, ‘he who shall not be named’, anymore, and it was Brendon that was the one who is now pressing a cold, emotionless kiss to my lips. I tried squirming my way out but I knew it was too late. Once Brendon got started like this, there was absolutely no denying him. I sighed defeatedly, and gave up and let him fuck me.

After it was over, I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough. I was already naked, so I turned on the shower and got in, collapsing against the shower wall and onto the floor, cradling my knees to my chest as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. 

A thousand questions were running through my head, the most important one being ‘why the fuck was I dreaming about him _again_....?’

This was happening more frequently, though this wasn't simply just a dream. It was an entire flashback of the happiest days of my life, the only time that I was ever truly happy, and ever felt truly alive. And the more I thought about it, the harder I cried.

+++

“So Frankie... what are you doing this weekend?” Mikey asked from across the table at Starbucks. It was now Friday morning, and he had kept his promise to pick me up these past few days for work. He swore up and down and left and right that I was doing him a favor for giving him something to do in the mornings before work. I didn’t question this at all, and was simply grateful to him for giving me an opportunity to escape from my life with Brendon an hour early every day.

I thought about his question for a minute. “The same thing I do every weekend, I guess... absolutely nothing,” I replied, giving a deep sigh and a shrug. “Some of Brendon's friends will probably come over, and we'll just play drinking games until we pass out.”

Mikey nodded. “Yeah, I'm not doing much of anything, either. Me and 'Lyss will probably go see a movie, or out to eat, or whatever,” he said, with an overwhelming amount of unenthusiasm dripping from every word.

“You sound _so_ excited about that, Mikey,” I couldn’t help but mention, actually laughing at how annoyed he really did sound. It wasn’t that I found it funny, but because I recognized that tone _all_ too well.

“Look who's talking,” he laughed back at me, flicking his balled up straw wrapped at me. 

“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, flicking back in retaliation, as a brilliant idea then struck me as a very enthusiastic grin spread across my face. “Why don't you come over tonight? We'll watch movies or something, and order pizza. Having you there will make the night go by _much_ less painfully,” I added, trying to avoid the topic of Brendon again. Mikey had been dancing around the topic all morning; I guess he could sense that something was up between us by the way I was acting.

“Sure dude, that sounds pretty awesome actually,” he replied, smiling at me. I didn't care if his excitement was to hang out with me or to get away from his girlfriend. The only thing I did care bout was that I was absolutely thrilled that he was coming by tonight. After the hellish morning I'd already had, I needed to get fucking wasted tonight.

+++ 

Before I knew it, it was already closing time and my best friend and I had successfully made it through the workday. Work _week_ rather, we both very thankfully had weekends off. By the time Mikey made his way out to the parking lot, I was already leaning up against his car smoking a cigarette. Tonight I wasted absolutely zero time in doing what I had to do to close up and was hellbent on getting the fuck out of there.

“You ready for a night of awesome shenanigans?” I asked, grinning excitedly as I finished my cigarette and tossed it into the street. 

“Fuckin’ ready,” he grinned back, unlocking the door as we both got in and began the first part of our adventure. AFI's ‘Kill Caustic’ came screaming at us through the speakers, and we both started screaming the lyrics at the top of our lungs, giggling like crazy as we emerged from the parking lot and in the opposite direction of my apartment.

“I just have to stop at my house real quick and get a few essentials,” he mentioned, answering my curious stare as if he knew I was wondering where we were going. I simply nodded, not bothering to question him. As long as we were hanging out, I really didn’t care what we did. Something about Mikey was so familiar. He made me feel, at home, for lack of a better word, and I had yet to put my finger on as to why this was. 

He lived on the opposite part of town, and that familiar feeling grew stronger as we pulled into the driveway of a very familiar house. It’s been ages since I’ve been back to this side of Belleville, for good reason. I shut my eyes briefly, forcing myself to shake those oh so powerful thoughts of _him_ aside as I climbed out of the car. 

“I feel like I've been here before,” I mumbled aloud, to nobody in particular. Every house in the neighborhood was an exact carbon copy of the next, and I used to have friends that lived over here. I had been quite delusional lately, so it was very possible that I was simply imagining things. 

“Oh yeah?” Mikey piped up, unlocking the door as I followed closely behind him. “Well, I've lived here since I was born. Come in with me, you can help me pick out some movies.”

The overwhelming sense of deja vu was causing tingles to rise up within me like a plague, however, and it was quite simply freaking me out a little. This house was so familiar, I _swear_ I've fucking been here before...

“Is that you, Michael?”

The voice from the other room caught me completely by surprise and caused me to quite literally jump as Mikey shot me an amused grin. “Yes mom, it's me,” he shouted back at his mother, rolling his eyes playfully at me. “I just came to get a few things then I'm going to my friend's place for the night,” he continued on, signaling for me to follow him. A weird feeling had settled within the pit of my stomach as we made our way up the stairs to what I assumed to be his bedroom. 

It was a pretty awesome bedroom, from what I could tell. Dark blue patches of wall peeked out under the numerous amazing band and movie posters that littered the vast expanse that was his bedroom. 

“Wow Mikey...” I breathed out, taking it all in. “You have a serious crush on Uma Thurman," I teased him, taking a moment to appreciate his _Kill Bill_ and _Pulp Fiction_ movie posters.

“Oh, you mean my wife?” Mikey replied, making a love heart with his fingers, before rummaging through a huge bin full of DVD's. “She’s my fucking goddess.”

“She is pretty amazing,” I mused, taking a seat on the bed. He tossed _Super Troopers_ , _Super Mario Bros._ , and _Beavis and Butthead Do America_ on the bed next to me, causing my eyes to light up. “Fuck yeah, dude, you have such a good collection!” I couldn’t help but exclaim, each of these movies were at the very top of my favorite movies of all time list.

I opened each one of the cases up to see if the DVDs were safely in their homes, frowning slightly when I realized that one were accounted for. “Umm dude, _Beavis_ is missing.”

I looked up as I heard a slight crash, followed by a very frantic yelp. A Coke can was lying clumsily on its side on the floor, bleeding its insides out as Mikey let out a frustrated sigh. 

“I'm sorry dude, I need you to do me a favor,” he began, and I instantly nodded. “There are some more DVD's in the room a few doors down from this one, it’s the one right at the end of the hall. I'm pretty sure the missing DVD is in there, can you please go check for me while I clean this up?”

“Sure,” I replied, getting up from my spot on the bed; patting his shoulder comfortingly as I exited the room and made my way down to the room he had instructed me to go to down at the end of the hall. I paused for a moment, my breath catching in my throat as my fingers hovered over the door knob, trying to swallow the overwhelming sense of butterflies that were now swarming like crazy throughout my entire being. 

I shut my eyes again, tightly, before attempting to swallow those butterflies and opened the door; gasping out at in shock at what I saw. 

The words “ _Holy fuck,_ ” then fell from my lips as I entered the all too familiar room, growing dizzier by the second before collapsing in a heap of emotions onto the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... what do you think!? :D


	4. "I saw your ghost tonight... it fucking hurt like hell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special gold stars go out to doctorkaitlyn, domebedward, and ForeverFrankAndGee for catching Mikey's "Vampire Money" reference on the last chapter! This chapter is dedicated to you. <3

_"Just hold still, sugar," he giggled as he set the timer on the camera. He then rejoined me, placing his arms around my waist holding me close to him. Being in his arms was simply my favorite place in the entire world._

_He placed his hand on my cheek as we gazed dreamily into each other's eyes. The picture had already snapped, but we stood there just like that for only God knows how long._

_"I need to remember this moment...this feeling, forever, Frankie..." he said to me, his eyes filling with tears as he placed an incredibly tender kiss on my lips. I tried to kiss back, but he wouldn't let me._

_"Gerard... Gee, baby, what's wrong?" I begged of him in a quiet voice, trying to kiss him again, but he still wouldn't let me._

_"There's something that I need to tell you, Frankie..." he murmured, his voice no louder than a mere whisper as the tears finally spilled over that absolutely gorgeous face of his. I then felt my heart completely sink at the words that were about to come out of his mouth, the words that were about to damn us and break us apart._

_"Frankie....?"_

"Gerard...?"

I clutched my heart, feeling the same familiar ache that I felt on that day so many years ago, still more prevalent than ever before. 

"GERARD?!"

My eyes shot open as I suddenly realized I'd _actually_ said his name out loud this time. My eyes drifted up to my best friend, gazing confusedly down at me. He was standing over me, lifting his hand out to help me up off the floor. I took his hand graciously, thankful to every holy being imaginable that this little slipup of Gerard’s name happened at Mikey's place and not mine. Brendon would _never_ let me hear the end of it if this had happened around him.

"Frank... you said my brother’s name," he stated, his eyes wide as he peered intently at my fragile form. “How do you know Gerard?”

I thought for a second, realizing that while I was momentarily knocked out, I'd just had another ~~dream~~ flashback about my time with the one person that truly understood me, the one person that made my life complete... Gerard Way. 

And that is when reality suddenly set in, and hit me.

No wonder Mikey's house was so fucking familiar. I can't believe what a complete and utter moron I was for not figuring it out before. I mean, it had been five years since I've been here and I have spent every last moment of those last five years trying to forget about how much it hurt that the one I loved the most could break my heart so easily. I tried so hard to block out everything that pertained to my time with Gerard, but still, how could I ever have forgotten this place? This was the room where so many beautiful memories were created. This is Gerard's room; except however, with one major difference from the last time I was here.

In place of the Misfits, Iron Maiden, and various other band posters that once littered the wall, there was now a mural painted on the wall. It was a painting of the same exact picture that me and Gerard had taken in my flashback... the picture he took right before he broke the news to me about his decision to move to New York and forget all about me. 

That was the day that Gerard had broken me. It was the day that I decided that I just couldn't take it. It was the very last day that we had ever spent together. I remember running to my house as fast as I possibly could - determined to do whatever I could do to _never_ look back.....

"Do you want to know why I'm not completely happy with Brendon, Mikey?" I asked, as tears began to well up in my eyes at just the very thought of it. My mind was a haze of heartache and, most of all, confusion. Why had he done this...?

"Well yeah... of course I do," Mikey replied, before placing a hand over his mouth as he glanced from my fragile, crumpled form, back to the painting on the wall. “Oh my God, Frank... This is you, isn't it?”

With all of the courage that I could possibly muster, I walked over to the painting, nodding helplessly in reply to Mikey’s previous question, as my fingers ran shakily over the painting of Gerard’s face as the tears that had been building came finally spilling over at how beautifully he had created the exact essence of us, everything that had made us so fucking perfect and _wonderful_. 

No wonder he was leaving me for art school. With this amount of talent, Gerard staying here for stupid pathetic little me would have been the biggest mistake of his life.

"He was my everything, Mikey," I spoke finally, tearing my gaze away from the wall and back at Mikey. "He promised me that he'd never leave me... and he did... "

He held a look of absolute sympathy and heartache as he padded across the room and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I broke down within my best friend’s arms then, sobbing into his shoulder as he held me tightly. I simply couldn’t help it. I have tried for the last five years to be so strong, to forget about the best thing that had ever happened to me, and after seeing this absolutely stunning work of art that Gerard had created of the two of us, I simply couldn’t keep my emotions under control anymore. 

"I'm so sorry, Frankie," Mikey sighed, rubbing my back gently in an incredibly soothing manner. "I swear to you, I really had no idea that this was you in the painting with my brother. I didn't mean to upset you."

I couldn't help but smile at his words. “It's okay, Mikey. This isn’t your fault, it was Gerard that broke my heart, not you,” I replied, as my sobs finally began to die down. “I've tried my fucking hardest to forget about him, to block out the happy times because it hurt too fucking much once he left me, and I actually did. I was able to forget for a long time, until I realized that what I had with Brendon could and would never amount to what I could have and _should_ have had with Gerard. Brendon just doesn't make me feel the same way as he did...” 

My tears had finally stopped, but the pain and confusion that I was feeling was growing stronger by the second. It's been over five years since I've seen or even spoken to Gerard, and he _still_ had this fucking effect on me. What does all of this mean...?

"How is he?" I suddenly dared to ask, my voice no louder than a whisper.

“Well...” Mikey began, taking a deep breath. “The last time I talked to him was about a week ago. Gerard has been doing pretty well for himself, from what I can tell. He invited me over to his apartment the weekend of Halloween,” he paused then, thinking carefully about what he was about to say next. “You need to come with me, Frank.”

I felt like my heart stopped beating when he said that, as all of the previous sadness that I had been feeling soon twisted and contorted straight to anger.

“Are you kidding me, Mikey? Why the fuck should I?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at my best friend. “ _He_ left _me_ , Mikey. I tried to fucking _kill_ myself when he broke my heart and told me that he was moving away. Gerard didn't even come to visit me when I was recovering in the hospital after the accident. When I got out, my mom couldn't stand the sight of me and sent me to live with my dad because she’s such a Catholic idiot and couldn’t handle what I had done,” I spoke then, my words spilling out shakily and un-eloquently. “I then came back here, to this fucking house, asking for Gerard, but he had already left for New York. He made it clear to me that he wanted nothing more to do with me, so why should I even bother him? You say that he's doing well, and I'm doing well with Brendon, things are going fucking well and splendid for both of us without each other so maybe that's the way it was meant to be all along," I continued, trying to convince myself, more than anything that all of the above was true. I honestly couldn't believe that all of that had just come out of my mouth.

“All of that is a fucking lie and you know it, Frank!” Mikey replied then, his voice growing slightly in volume as he peered helplessly into my eyes. “You obviously cared a whole fucking lot about my brother if you were going to fucking kill yourself over him. I’ve known you for a little while, and I’ve known him for even longer, and something isn't adding up here.”

“It’s pretty simple, Mikey. He left me, I didn’t matter to him because he threw me away like I was nothing. Then I found Brendon, and now we are here. There isn’t much else to say,” I retaliated, trying to affirm my previous set of words, but even I knew that Mikey was on to something. 

“Those are some really powerful words, Frankie,” Mikey began, eyeing me intently. “Who is it that you’re trying to convince, me or you?” 

My gaze immediately fell to the floor. My suddenly strong demeanor that I had managed to build up was quickly shattering all around me, I could feel it with every word that he continued to speak. 

“Frankie, I see the way you are when we're hanging out at work, you're such an awesome person. You're a _happy_ person. But whenever I bring up Brendon, or whenever he calls you, or comes to pick you up, your expression completely changes and you become a completely different person and I always wondered why that was, but now it's clear!” Mikey continued, his expression turning more intense. “It’s so clear that you are absolutely _miserable_ with him. You don't love Brendon like you think you do. You don't fucking _need_ him like you think you do, if all the while it's my fucking brother that you want to be with!” 

Mikey had gotten so worked up as he spoke those last few words, his voice was shaking. He really came to his brother's defense with that one, and had successfully exposed me for the fraud that I am. Every word that he said was absolutely true.

“You may be right, Mikey, but... there is no way that I could possibly go with you to see him. There is no way that I could bring myself to face him, especially after all this time has gone by,” I replied, as fresh tears began to form as I thought more and more about the current situation at hand. “I have always loved your brother more than anything and everything in the whole fucking world. I never stopped loving him, if anything my feelings for him have only gotten deeper, regardless of everything that happened between us. I just...” 

My words trailed off then as I gazed back at the portrait of us that Gerard had painted on his bedroom wall. I didn't know what to say, what to think, or what to _do_. 

“You just need to talk to him, Frankie. You need to talk about what happened and you both need to fucking work things out, because judging from this picture on the wall that he painted for a week straight right before he left, he obviously was very much in love with you,” Mikey reasoned, as he gently brought my gaze back to meet his now watery eyes.  
“I remember it like it was yesterday, Frankie. He was a complete and total wreck over _something_ but my mom and I couldn't figure out what it was! The only thing he told me was that this picture on the wall meant the fucking world to him and that he'd always love this person more than anything! Look!” His tears were falling freely now as he pointed to a section of the wall that I had failed to notice before. “Did you even bother to read what he wrote on the wall about you?!”

I actually didn't. I didn't even notice it until he pointed it out. There were words painted next to the portrait of Gerard and I on the wall, in random pieces that fell around us. I had been so enthralled and mesmerized by how Gerard had captured himself and I so perfectly, that I didn’t have time to look at anything else. 

Oh, but I noticed it now, as my eyes studied his words like it held the very meaning of life behind them. 

_Hand in mine, into your sweet green hues,_  
 _And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway_  
 _With this trunk of ammunition too,  
_ _I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets_

_I'm trying, I'm trying...  
_ _To let you know just how much you mean to me_

_And after all the things we put each other through,_  
 _I would drive on to the end with you._  
 _A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full,_  
 _And I feel like there's nothing left to do,  
_ _But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running..._

_But this time, I mean it._  
 _I'll let you know just how much you mean to me,_  
 _As snow falls on desert sky  
_ _Until the end of everything..._

_I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know how much you mean  
_ _As days fade, and nights grow, and we go cold..._

_But this time, we'll show them,_  
 _We'll show them all how much we mean_  
 _As snow falls on desert sky,  
_ _Until the end of every..._

_As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms_  
 _Forever, forever_  
 _Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning_  
 _Forever, and ever_  
 _Know how much I want to show you you're the only one...  
_ _Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun._

_And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood_  
 _And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down_  
 _And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down_  
 _I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood  
_ _I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever..._

Somewhere near the end of reading those absolutely gorgeous that he had written so beautifully around us, I broke down. And I mean fucking just broke down completely. I now found myself on the floor, tears streaming like a waterfall from my eyes as sobs wracked my body in a completely hysterical mess of confused emotions. Did Gerard really feel this way? Nothing made sense to me anymore, not one single thing. 

“He loved you too, Frank. I can tell by this painting that he loved you so fucking much,” Mikey said then, breaking the silence around us as he leant down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my shaking form. “I don't know what happened between you and my brother to drive you so far apart from each other, but I do know that you can't ignore this.”

I let out a shaky sigh as I looked up for a brief moment from crying on Mikey’s shoulder, as my eye caught sight of some more words that were written towards the bottom of the painting.

It read:  
 _When you go.._  
 _Just know that I will remember you_  
 _If living was the hardest part_  
 _We'll then one day be together..._  
 _And in the end we'll fall apart_  
 _Just like the leaves change in colors..._  
 _And then I will be with you,  
_ _I will be there one last time now..._

_I lost my fear of falling._  
 _I will be with you_ ,  
 _I will be with you..._

“Everything happens for a reason, Frankie,” Mikey then whispered to me, kissing my hair softly as he ran his fingers soothingly through my hair. “I can’t help but feel that meeting you at work and becoming friends with you was meant to happen, this very moment right here with you was meant to be, all so you could find your way back to Gerard, because you two are simply meant to be together, happy like you are in this picture that he painted of you two on the wall. What's meant to be will _always_ find it's way, Frankie, always.”

I held on to my best friend on my ex-boyfriend’s floor, as well as his every last thing that Mikey had just said. Those oh so famous words kept ringing in my head, as my phone began to ring from within my pocket. Mikey and I had been at his house for quite some time now, and I knew that it was Brendon that had been calling, probably trying to figure out where the hell I was. 

I slid the phone out of its sanctuary, sighing as I glanced tearily from the vibrating device, then up at my best friend, and back to Gerard’s painting.

What was I going to do now...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit of those oh so magnificent words that my Gerard character painted on the wall to the real life Gerard and all of My Chemical Romance for inspiring me to put those gorgeous lyrics from "Demolition Lovers" and "It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish" in this chapter! I know it's cliche, but this is a rewrite of something I wrote long ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to edit them out. <3 
> 
> Title credit to "Ghost on the Dance Floor" by Blink-182. <3


	5. "It only hurts when I'm breathing..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, my loves.  
> I rather adore this one, I hope you do, too! <3

With shaky hands and a ridiculously heavy heart, I gave an equally heavy sigh as I pulled the vibrating device out of my pocket to reveal eight missed calls, six voicemails and three different text messages. They were each from Brendon, of course.

I knew that Brendon would be upset with me for not answering when he called, so I chose to ignore the voicemails completely. I knew that as the missed calls continued and the newer messages were left, they wouldn’t be very pleasing to hear and I simply could not be bothered with hearing that condescending voice and whatever harsh words he chose to use, and decided on reading the texts instead.

_“Where are you babe? The guys are here. Just waiting on you.”_

_“Answer your fucking phone.”_

_“OK, fuck you then. We're going out without you.”_

Through the annoyed feeling that had taken over my being because of just how much of a douchebag he can be sometimes, I couldn't help but smile when I read that Brendon and his friends were already out and about. This was a huge weight off my chest, at least for the time being. I knew that I still had to call him so that he would quit calling me, otherwise I'd have to deal with him later and I’m _really_ not in the fucking mood to deal with his bullshit right now. 

I know that I hadn’t been paying attention to his calls, however, he always gets like this. If I don’t drop everything for him right when he snaps his fingers for me to do as he says, his attitude reaches all new heights and, after everything that this evening has revealed to me; about Gerard, and how maybe the last few years of my life could have been different had I known that everything wasn’t as hopeless as it appeared to be... I needed to figure out why Gerard had painted such a gorgeous picture of us right after breaking my heart, something wasn’t adding up, and I needed to get to the bottom of it and figure out why. That being said, now is really not the time for me to entertain any of Brendon’s fuckery for even a second longer. 

As I hit the ‘send’ button to return Brendon’s call, my eyes flickered up to meet directly with Mikey’s, who I just realized had been staring at me intently. He shot me a encouraging smile, and winced along with me as Brendon’s voice came booming from the other end of the line. 

“Well it's about fucking time, Frank! Where the _hell_ have you been?”

I couldn’t help but sigh out as I realized that whether Gerard had even become the most crucial and vital factor in why I was not answering his calls earlier, this was my fate; my boyfriend, screaming at me, simply because he can. Simply because I let him. 

“I'm sorry, Brendon,” I began, gathering my thoughts. “My phone had fallen out of my pocket and stayed in Mikey's car. I didn't realize it was missing until just now when I tried to call you,” I lied, watching as Mikey rolled his eyes at my pathetic excuses. I had a million of them; I was the fucking king of excuses.

“Oh,” Brendon replied, his tone evening out somewhat. “Well, I guess that’s okay. Just answer next time, I was worried. Where are you guys?"

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes this time; it wasn’t my safety or wellbeing that Brendon was worried about, it was the tabs that he suddenly couldn’t keep on me when I wasn’t answering or replying to him. 

“We're still here at Mikey's. Where are you?” I replied, toying with my lip ring as I awaited his response, glancing back at Mikey. He took the small device out of my hand, pressing the button to put it on speaker so that he could hear, as well.

“Me, Robbie, and everyone are already at Tucks. When are you guys coming?” 

Despite the loud groan that I let out strictly for Brendon’s benefit, my face lit up into the brightest smile that I’ve given in a really long time. Their setting couldn’t be more perfect, I now had the ammunition that I needed to _not_ meet up with him like originally planned. 

“You know how much I fucking hate that place, yet you always choose to go there,” I reasoned, in my best annoyed tone. “You know the kinds of stares those homophobic fucks like to give me when I go there, I'm not going to fucking Tucks.”

“Yeah I figured that much. That's okay,” Brendon replied finally, giving a sigh of his own, and I could only hope that I had won this part of the battle. “I'll see you at home tonight. Bye Frankie, I love you.”

“You too,” I muttered, ending the call, and thanking every last one of my lucky stars; all two of them, that I didn't have to go home to face him just yet. 

After how mentally and emotionally draining this night has already been, I’m not in any shape to face him right now. In all honesty, I didn't even have the strength, or the energy to fight this inner battle going on within myself. I need to be alone right now, away from Brendon, and even away from Gerard in order to come to grips with everything that has happened over this last little while that Mikey and I have been in Gerard’s bedroom. I needed time to simply stop for a moment, and think about what it was that I needed to do in order to sort my life out and make sense of everything.

“So... we're good to go?”

Mikey’s voice caught me completely offguard, causing my head to snap up in his direction. He had his keys in his hand, as he lifted the other hand out to help pull me up off of the floor.

“Go?” I questioned, staring with wide, frightened eyes at his outstretched hand as if it were a grenade. “Go where, Mikey?” I eyed him cautiously; though my question was completely stupid. I knew _exactly_ where it was that he wanted to go. 

“To New York, of course, to see Gerard,” Mikey replied, as I stared at him in absolute horror. He rolled his eyes at my expression, and helped pull me up from my previous position of sitting on Gerard’s bedroom floor. “Come _on_ Frank, we fucking _have_ to go.” 

He was now pulling me by my arm and dragging me out the door, but I couldn’t stop myself from pulling back. “ _Mikey_ ,” I stressed, sighing heavily at my best friend, my eyes pleading desperately with his own. “I already told you, I'm nowhere near ready for this! I _just_ found out about all of this, and Brendon-” 

My words quickly faltered as Mikey shook his head, and stared just as pleadingly back at me. “You don't understand, Frankie. This is _really_ fucking important and it simply can't wait,” Mikey reasoned, his eyes boring deeply within my own. “I have this bag full of stuff that Gerard had asked for when I spoke with him the other day, anyway. He had asked if I could drop it off to him whenever I got the chance, and I feel like right now is as good a time as any.”

I felt defeated as Mikey continued to speak, feeling boneless as he rationalized making this little trip to see his brother; the absolute one and _only_ real love of my life. 

“Besides, Brendon and his friends are out, right?”

I couldn’t help but admit defeat at this last set of words. Mikey knew damn well that Brendon was out with his friends, so it wasn’t like there was really anything tangible holding me back from going to face his brother, except for the absolute fear and cowardice that was filtering throughout my entire being. 

My last encounter with Gerard was absolutely devastating, and there has been absolutely zero contact between Gerard and me for the last five years. I had been lead to believe that he wanted nothing more to do with me, that he had left me all alone. However, the last time I stood with him here in this room, this painting on the wall of the two of us was not here, and now... it is. 

If Gerard had really not wanted anything more to do with me, why did this painting suddenly appear?

I shut my eyes then, realizing I was never going to get any of the answers to any of the things swimming in my head if I ignored this new development of events that are happening in my life. 

“Yes...” I whispered finally, daring to meet Mikey’s gaze.

“Alrighty then. Brendon is taken care of for the time being, he’s out with friends which means that he is out of your hair, so let's go,” Mikey said matter-of-factly, putting his arm around my shoulder, and leading me out of Gerard’s house, to his car. 

Once we had gotten there, Mikey had opened the car door for me, and I couldn't do anything but smile weakly at him. 

“Thanks, Mikey...” 

With those words, I pulled my best friend into the biggest embrace that I have given to anyone... since Gerard. 

“I could never have done this without you.”

Mikey sighed happily, and returned my hug. 

“Trust me, Frankie, this means so much to me, too. You're my best fucking friend, and Gerard is my big brother. I love you both to pieces, and we need to find a way to get you two back together before it's too late,” he replied; his words earning a somewhat sinking feeling in my gut, but before I could question it, he had already advanced away from me and was behind the wheel, beckoning me to join him. 

I did so quickly, and before I knew it, we were backing out of the driveway, and we were on our way to New York.

To Gerard. 

Swarms of butterflies began to flutter like mad within my stomach as we drove on to New York. My heart felt like it was doing back flip after back flip due to the fact that I haven't seen or spoken to Gerard in almost five years. I have positively waited for, longed for, and dreamt of this moment where I would see him again, for so long. 

So many questions were running through my mind, I could barely even think straight. After five long years, is this really happening? What the fuck am I even going to say to him? 

Would Gerard even be happy to see me? I mean, it has been an awfully long time... does he even remember who I am? 

What if the thought of me repulses him, which is why he had to get away from me, and that’s the real reason why he stayed away from me for so long? 

What will happen when I go to knock on his door, and he opens the door and sees me standing there... will he slam the door in my face? 

Did Gerard even realize that I have been missing from his life for all of this time? Does he even miss me at all? 

Do I ever cross his mind from time to time... does he still think about me?

... _Does he still love me just as much as I still love him...?_

All of these thoughts were quite literally making me sick, I almost considered telling Mikey to turn the car around so that we could go back to his house, or back to my own apartment, because the realization that we were about to go see _him_ was becoming too much for me to handle. 

“I have an idea,” Mikey spoke out of nowhere, breaking the heavy silence that had formed around us. The only thing that could previously be heard was the sound of my erratic heartbeat and my mind screaming those thoughts at me. 

“I want to put on my 'Love Sucks' CD for you. The songs on there will help you relax,” Mikey added, as he reached into the backseat and rummaged around for something. I glanced at him curiously, and grinned as he dropped a giant binder full of CDs into my lap. “Make yourself useful and look for it, please.” 

I shot him a grateful smile, he knew just what to do to help me feel better.  
I then did as he instructed, and finally, after scanning through a few pages, I found the disc that he was speaking of and stuck it in the CD player. I listened for a second and was a little thrown off when I heard a country song come on.

“Country, Mikey?” I asked, completely amused. 

“Oh, sorry,” Mikey muttered sheepishly, ejecting the CD and tossing it to me. “This is the ‘Love Sucks: Country Edition.’ Keep looking. You'll see it.”

I simply smiled and continued on with my search. I grinned as my fingers traced over my favorite albums by the Bouncing Souls, Rancid, and Jawbreaker; our music collection was almost identical. On the second to last page, I finally found another CD that was labeled ‘Love Sucks’, my eyes instantly lighting up as I made this new discovery. 

“Yeah, that's it!” Mikey exclaimed, getting all excited once the disc was in. “Frankie, I need you to listen to the words of this song. I know that it has to describe exactly how you feel about my brother and what you are going through right now. You need this.”

I nodded, before relaxing in my seat and shutting my eyes, taking in the gorgeous melody and words that came filtering in through the speakers. 

_“How could I forget the taste of,_  
 _Or the smell of your skin?_  
 _I never dreamed I'd see you again..._

_Love or dreams? I can't decide..._  
 _There's nothing more for me to say,_  
 _I wish I never had to compromise._  
 _We'll fade away together, fade away together..._

_I ache to hear your whisper,_  
 _As my lips let out a lonesome sigh... for you._  
 **_When I come back to you we'll lay,_ **  
**_Rediscovering the days when we first found out_ **  
**_That we fit together perfectly...”_ **

“Wow...” I managed to breathe out, my voice shaky as those words wrapped around my heart strings and tugged them for all they were worth. 

“I told you,” Mikey grinned at me, squeezing my hand. 

“Those lyrics, though. Fuck, they were perfect,” I spoke, still taken by how perfectly those lyrics explained my situation with Gerard and how I felt about him. “I seriously needed that song in my life,” I added, as the track ended and switched to ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the Killers. 

Mikey and I exchanged a wide grin as we recognized the song as one that we always sang at the top of our lungs when it comes on at work, and right now here in his car was no different. We sang out hearts out, like we always did. 

Several toll booths, tunnels, and ‘Love Sucks’ tracks later, Mikey and I finally pulled up to an apartment complex. I had made a pretty big deal about the distance before, and I felt pretty stupid now for doing so. It really hadn’t taken us very long to get here, just a little over an hour. Gerard wasn’t as far away from me as I had previously thought...

“Well, Frank... this is it,” Mikey spoke softly, squeezing my hand. He offered me a small smile, before asking the million dollar question. “Are you ready?”

The ability to breathe became quite the issue then, and I felt like I was suffocating. 

“In all actuality, even if I had a million years to prepare for this moment, I still wouldn't be ready,” I replied, as I frantically dug into my jacket pocket for my cigarettes, and lit one up. Normally I wasn't allowed to smoke in Mikey's car, but this was an extenuating circumstance.

Mikey nodded. “Well, I thought you may feel that way, so... here's some motivation,” he said, as he skipped several songs to track #21, and we were soon blessed with ‘Soco Amaretto Lime’, my absolute _favorite_ song by Brand New. 

I hadn’t been able to listen to this song in years. The lyrics were simply too painful, but here we are, in Mikey’s car, in front of Gerard’s apartment, with the song that is the absolute epitome of my relationship with Gerard, filtering all around us. As the lyrics began, tears instantly began to form within my eyes as a hand reached over my heart, clutching it as I did my best not to let those tears fall. 

Mikey then reached in to the glove box and retrieved a picture from within, and handed it to me. I began to full on sob as my eyes landed upon the picture of Mikey and his brother; the image of absolute perfection caught on film within my fingers. From the looks of things it was taken not too long ago, and Jesus Christ, Gerard Way was even more breathtaking than he was all those years ago when he was mine. 

“They’re just jealous ‘cause we’re young and in love,” I sang along to the song with a shaky voice, as I held the picture within even shakier fingers with one hand, while still clutching on to my heart with the other. “Your stomach’s filled up, but you’re starved for conversation. You’re spending all your nights, growing old in your bed. And you’re tearing up your photos ‘cause you want to forget... it’s over...” 

I handed the picture back to Mikey as I brought my knees up to my chest, and continued to cry my little heart out. I knew that what we were about to do was going to be emotional; coming face to face with Gerard is something I never dreamed would happen again. I had accepted the fact that he had left me and had moved on, by doing my best to move on myself. Every moment of the last five years had been spent being half alive, because a part of myself had died the moment that Gerard walked out of my life. He took my heart with him, and I never bothered to get it back. But being here, with Mikey, and having seen that recent picture of Gerard, and hearing the song that brought every memory of my gorgeous time with him back... I felt more alive than I had in a very, _very_ long time. 

I glanced up at my best friend with teary eyes, shooting him a smile as I took a deep breath. “Now I'm fucking ready,” I said to him, wiping the tears away with my sleeve. “I’m sorry, I just needed to get that out of me beforehand. I still love your brother so much, it’s just... hard to face reality, you know?”

Mikey nodded. “Absolutely, Frankie. I know exactly what you mean, which is why I needed to show you that picture and I needed you to listen to all of these songs. I knew it would be emotional for you, I’m sorry to put you through that. But... you have to do this,” he added, eyeing me intently. “Gerard hasn’t been himself since he did that painting on his bedroom wall. He’s been half alive, almost robotic. I would always ask what was going on with him, and he would never tell me. I never fucking knew why until I put two and two together earlier when we were in his room. You two need to reunite, and you have to do it now.” 

As if my heart hadn’t already been through enough, Mikey’s last few words caused it to bruise and swell even more. 

“I just want you to remember that you're doing the right thing, Frankie,” he said to me, giving my hand one last encouraging squeeze. The look in his eyes told me that the time had now come, and it was time for us to go in and see Gerard. 

I took a deep breath as my fingers latched onto the door handle to get out, and at that very second, my eyes caught sight of two people walking on the sidewalk leading toward the front of the apartment building. Their arms were linked together, and just as I'd feared... one of them was Gerard. 

Mikey caught wind of this and quickly retreated to get back in the car. I watched as Gerard unlocked the door to get into the apartment complex, grinning back at the person that I didn't recognize. He then pulled Gerard into him and kissed him, good and hard.

I sat back, watching, as all of the hope that I’d managed to build up about me and Gerard being together again had now completely diminished.

“I... I’m so fucking sorry, Frank...”

I looked over at my best friend then, and gave him a tearful, broken smile.  
“I'm just happy to see that he's okay. I'm glad that he found someone that could make him happy,” I spoke quietly, before glancing back out of the window. Of course, they had disappeared into the complex and were probably all cozied up in Gerard’s apartment, doing the same things that he and I used to do. I cringed at the thought of it, before a brilliant idea struck me. 

“Do you have any paper?” I asked him, eyeing Mikey expectantly. 

“Of course,” he replied, rummaging around in his cluttered backseat. He gave me a notebook and I pulled a pen out of my pocket and started writing the first set of song lyrics that came to mind. Since tonight has been a night inspired heavily by song lyrics, this particular set of lyrics fit the new turn of events rather perfectly. 

“ _Today is the day, the worst day of my life._  
 _You sulk until it hurts me, I don't know why._  
 _The cost of misery is at an all-time high,_  
 _I keep it hidden, close to the surface, inside._

_Could you be with him? Or was it just a lie?_  
 _He doesn't get you like I do, and you don't know why..._  
 _You change your clothes and your hair,_  
 _but I can't change your mind._  
 _I’m uninvited, so unrequited._

_I'm learning to fall, I can hardly breathe._  
 _When I'm going down, don't worry about me._  
 _Don't try this at home, pretend you don't see._  
 **_I don't wanna know that you know it should have been me..._ **

_Words screaming in my head..._  
 _Why did you leave?_  
 _And I can't stop dreaming.._  
 _Watching you and him,_  
 _When it should have been..._  
 _...It should have been me._

_Today is the day, the worst day of my life..._

_I'm learning to fall, I can hardly breathe._  
 _When I'm going down, don't worry about me._  
 _Don't try this at home, pretend you don't see._  
 ** _I don't wanna know, that you know, it should have been me..._** ”

A few stray tears had dripped onto the paper, which actually worked out quite beautifully. At the bottom of the paper I wrote: _I've never stopped loving you, Gerard. I know now that I always will._

I then folded the paper in half, and continued to write.

“ _Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer_ ,  
 _Do you know you're unlike any other?_  
 _You'll always be my thunder, and I said_  
 _Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors_  
 ** _I don't wanna ever love another_**  
 _You'll always be my thunder_ ,  
 _So bring on the rain_  
 _And bring on the thunder..._ ”

I then folded it once more and wrote a final message, this one being the most important one of all. 

“ _And in the end we'll fall apart just like the leaves change in color..._ ” was written on one side, and “ _I lost my fear of falling, I will be with you..._ ” on the other. 

I didn't know where he had gotten those words from, but they stuck with me since I'd read them on the painting in his room. 

These were his words, and I knew that he would recognize them and would know that they came from the painting of us on the wall. The lyrics from the other songs that I had scrawled out for him were songs from a band that I used to love, and those songs seemed to fit everything just right. The _second_ I had first heard those songs I had immediately thought of Gerard, and now that I had the chance to, I felt that it was only right to tell him so.

“I need to leave this for him, Mikey,” I said, to which Mikey nodded emphatically. We got out of the car, and began to walk into the apartment complex. 

“He lives on the third floor, come on,” Mikey said, leading me toward the elevator. We waited patiently for the elevator to arrive, which would soon take us up to the third floor of the complex where the love of my life now resides. 

When the elevator doors opened, Mikey and I were met face to face with the same person that was kissing Gerard just a little while earlier. He was taller than me and had long, stringy black hair that hung in his face. He had an obvious smirk on his face and nodded flirtatiously at me as we walked past each other. 

The elevator doors closed briefly after we exchanged places, and he was gone, leaving me alone on Gerard’s floor with Mikey.

“He looks like a complete douche bag,” Mikey stated the obvious, stealing the words right out of my mouth as he led us down the hall to Gerard’s apartment. “He's alone now, Frank... do you want to stop by?”

I shook my head ‘no’. “I just want to leave this and go. I don't think I'm up to facing him anymore,” I spoke defeatedly, and he simply nodded.

“It's this one,” Mikey said, as we stopped in front of the door that had a big 311 on the front of it. “Okay so... what's the game plan?”

“I'm going to leave the letter through the mail slot. You're going to knock on the door to get his attention, and then we're going to hide...” I began, scanning my surroundings to see where we could hide to spy on him when he opened the door. “Over there,” I continued, pointing around the corner. 

He nodded again, and the plan was on.

As soon as I slid the letter in through the mail slot on the door, Mikey knocked loudly and we both hauled ass around the corner, sticking our heads out just slightly so that we could see him open the door. If our poking heads didn't give us away, our stifled laughter sure would.

A few minutes passed, and he finally opened the door. He had a bottle of Vodka dangling loosely from his hand, and a cigarette in his other. His face was red and swollen. It looked as if he'd been crying, but Gerard was still just as beautiful as he always was. He was downright absolutely stunning, for lack of a better description. 

Gerard looked around confusedly, before he finally looked down and reached for my letter. He picked it up, eyeing it carefully before shutting the door behind him. 

I took that moment to collapse on the ground, seeing as how I’d been holding my breath for the last few minutes when Gerard was right there just ten feet away from me. He looked destroyed, and I feel completely responsible for this. I am such a fucking coward. 

“I think you should go in there and talk to him,” Mikey then said to me, breaking the heavy silence around us. “If you don't, I will, just to check on him. He looked like he was in really bad shape.”

I sighed heavily, knowing that Mikey was right. 

“I'm really not up to seeing him right now, and I don’t think he’s up for seeing me either. He’s obviously in a bad place right now, I don’t want to make things worse for him,” I murmured, even though seeing him like that had broken my heart completely in two, and made me want nothing more than to run to him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell him that I was never going to let anything hurt him... though, I didn't want to make him any promises that I might not be able to keep. 

Mikey sighed, pleading with me with his eyes, before finally nodding. “Okay,” he murmured, before seemingly remembering something. “I'll walk you downstairs, and then come back up. I forgot his bag full of stuff in the car. I guess it slipped my mind when we saw that he had company earlier.”

I nodded at his plan, feeling defeated and pathetic as we headed back toward the elevator, and back out to his car. 

“I won't be long. I'm just going to give him the bag and make sure that he's okay. I'll call you when I'm on my way back down,” Mikey said as he made quick work of grabbing Gerard’s bag from the back seat, and made his way back towards the entrance of the apartment. 

I decided to stay outside of the car and have another cigarette; this night had really taken a heavy toll on me. I was still fighting this seemingly never-ending battle that is going on in my head as to whether I should just man the fuck up and go up inside and face him. 

I took a deep breath and sighed, noticing how the nicotine was doing absolutely nothing to calm my nerves. My hands were shaking, and my heart felt swollen and it was still quite difficult to breathe. 

As I flicked the cancer stick away, I realized that the only thing that would calm me and give me peace, was simply to go on back upstairs and face Gerard. Just as my phone started to ring, I took a deep breath, before heading back toward the entrance to the apartment that would take me back up to the only person in the world that could make things right in my life once again. I hoped with every fiber of my being that I was still that same person for him, as well. 

“Hey Mikey, that was quick. Listen, I'm coming up-” I said once I had answered my phone, but my best friend had cut me off before I could get another word in.

“Frankie... he's... he’s gone, Frank...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit!  
> Aphasia- "[Compromise](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XCYZ8_hqGw)"  
> Boys Like Girls- "[Thunder](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te_EIisc_fE)"  
> Boys Like Girls- "[Learning to Fall](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uKexpidMII)"  
> Brand New- "[Soco Amaretto Lime](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKBRdjkYTYE)"  
> and of course, [It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACMeM7UegIs)" by the angels themselves, My Chemical Romance. <3  
> Chapter title is credited to Shania Twain's "[It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt_1CyxMVh0)"
> 
> What do you think of that cliffhanger, hmm? :D


End file.
